Frustrated Reader

The Question: 


I'm 17, and had a traumatic relationship and break up. I love the guy but he was borderline abusive and once even raped me, though I'm pretty sure he didn't realize it was rape because I didn't say no. I developed depression and anxiety and am seeking therapy for that. He told a lot of people we knew things that I couldn't really explain myself about because I felt ashamed about how I'd been treated. I tried to be the bigger person and be friends. I apologized for my part and asked for an apology in return but he wouldn't and the relationship ended horribly. (I will not go into any more detail than that) 

Recently though, I met a wonderful guy. I have been with him for several months now. I seriously can't speak highly enough for him. He has been my rock when I really needed him. He is patient, caring, loving, and kind. So what's the problem right? Well I was desperate for the apology from my ex and was being friendly and working with him. I thought if my new boyfriend could have a word with him to explain that what he did was out of line and that I deserved and apology, then maybe it would happen. My boyfriend chose to do nothing. I brought it up to him again when I was very angry and upset(bad idea) and he still chose to do nothing. It has created a distance in our relationship. We sometimes have the perfect relationship, but there is often resentment and coldness. He is frustrated he can't make me happy and I'm frustrated he would leave me alone in this battle. No one has really stood up for me in all this and I thought I could rely on him. I forgive him for not doing it every time, but each day I feel betrayed as he does nothing, while watching me crumble. Every time I see my ex I remember the abuse and it hurts for me and my new relationship. Something needs to change, because right now I'm unhappy even though I have everything I have ever wanted. Should I end a great relationship because of one thing that bothers me?

Daisy's Answer: 

Thanks for your question. It has several sections and has a lot I can cover, so my answer will be in many parts as well. 

First off it sound like you may not be sure if your relationship with your ex was abusive or not. Please check out the  Love Is Respect website. It has lots of useful tools to help you determine if your relationship is abusive, and tips on what to do about it. 


I am really proud of you for seeking therapeutic help for your depression and anxiety. Therapy can help almost everyone. You were able to admit to yourself there was a problem and seek help to solve it, that shows you have strong character. 


Remember that an apology loses it's value if you expect something in return or say something like..."I'm sorry for what I did BUT..." Adding that but at the end makes the apology worthless. You can't go back and change what you've already done but you can continue to give you apology without any expectations. 


I am very happy that you met someone who will treat you well. Every woman needs to be loved by someone who respects them. However, you are holding on to a grudge from a previous relationship that is tainting your current relationship. Whatever your ex did, is not the fault of your current boyfriend. His wish to not get involved is his way of saying he doesn't want to be a part of something like that. He doesn't want to hurt you or anyone else, that is a good thing. Do not ask your current boyfriend to be a go between for you and someone you used to date. That puts him in a very awkward situation. Do you think you would want to talk to someone he says he loved before you?


You need to except that what is in the past is in the past and let it go. Do not break up with this guy if the only reason is he won't talk to your ex for you.  The mature thing to do is either let it go or confront the problem yourself. I know that you have the courage and strength to do either one. 


Please continue your search for happiness and keep me updated on how things are going in your personal journey. 


Daisy <3