Frustrated Reader

The Question: 


I'm 17, and had a traumatic relationship and break up. I love the guy but he was borderline abusive and once even raped me, though I'm pretty sure he didn't realize it was rape because I didn't say no. I developed depression and anxiety and am seeking therapy for that. He told a lot of people we knew things that I couldn't really explain myself about because I felt ashamed about how I'd been treated. I tried to be the bigger person and be friends. I apologized for my part and asked for an apology in return but he wouldn't and the relationship ended horribly. (I will not go into any more detail than that) 

Recently though, I met a wonderful guy. I have been with him for several months now. I seriously can't speak highly enough for him. He has been my rock when I really needed him. He is patient, caring, loving, and kind. So what's the problem right? Well I was desperate for the apology from my ex and was being friendly and working with him. I thought if my new boyfriend could have a word with him to explain that what he did was out of line and that I deserved and apology, then maybe it would happen. My boyfriend chose to do nothing. I brought it up to him again when I was very angry and upset(bad idea) and he still chose to do nothing. It has created a distance in our relationship. We sometimes have the perfect relationship, but there is often resentment and coldness. He is frustrated he can't make me happy and I'm frustrated he would leave me alone in this battle. No one has really stood up for me in all this and I thought I could rely on him. I forgive him for not doing it every time, but each day I feel betrayed as he does nothing, while watching me crumble. Every time I see my ex I remember the abuse and it hurts for me and my new relationship. Something needs to change, because right now I'm unhappy even though I have everything I have ever wanted. Should I end a great relationship because of one thing that bothers me?

Daisy's Answer: 

Thanks for your question. It has several sections and has a lot I can cover, so my answer will be in many parts as well. 

First off it sound like you may not be sure if your relationship with your ex was abusive or not. Please check out the  Love Is Respect website. It has lots of useful tools to help you determine if your relationship is abusive, and tips on what to do about it. 


I am really proud of you for seeking therapeutic help for your depression and anxiety. Therapy can help almost everyone. You were able to admit to yourself there was a problem and seek help to solve it, that shows you have strong character. 


Remember that an apology loses it's value if you expect something in return or say something like..."I'm sorry for what I did BUT..." Adding that but at the end makes the apology worthless. You can't go back and change what you've already done but you can continue to give you apology without any expectations. 


I am very happy that you met someone who will treat you well. Every woman needs to be loved by someone who respects them. However, you are holding on to a grudge from a previous relationship that is tainting your current relationship. Whatever your ex did, is not the fault of your current boyfriend. His wish to not get involved is his way of saying he doesn't want to be a part of something like that. He doesn't want to hurt you or anyone else, that is a good thing. Do not ask your current boyfriend to be a go between for you and someone you used to date. That puts him in a very awkward situation. Do you think you would want to talk to someone he says he loved before you?


You need to except that what is in the past is in the past and let it go. Do not break up with this guy if the only reason is he won't talk to your ex for you.  The mature thing to do is either let it go or confront the problem yourself. I know that you have the courage and strength to do either one. 


Please continue your search for happiness and keep me updated on how things are going in your personal journey. 


Daisy <3

Question from A Reader

I got my first question from a reader today!!! I am so excited to have to opportunity to maybe offer a little help to this person. She has given me permission to post her question and my answer. I will be doing that within the next 5 hours. YAY!


Let's keep the questions coming, email me yours! :)

Tidbit #10: Smile

Once I was on a train headed into the city an elderly woman noticed me and asked if I was having a hard day. She said I looked a little grumpy. I told her I was sleepy, which was true. She said if I just put on a smile the world would seem a lot brighter. She passed the smile to me and I passed it on to many other people as I walked around the city that day. 

I was reading an article in National Geographic the other day that talked about people smiling. It said that the average adult only smiles 5 times a day. Infants on the other hand smile more that 400 times a day. When did that happen. Our bodies need us to smile so that we produce let stress-inducing hormones, and more endorphins.

You don't have to talk to smile, you just change your face. It helps you and it helps others. win/win
Smiles are contagious. Use them. Making one person smile can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  Start small.  Start now.

Finding Your Happy Place: Part 4

Feel Your Feelings

This may be the hardest step in the process of finding happiness for many people. But it is very important.
Feelings can help lead you to the decisions that will lead to your happiness, ignoring them can lead you down a path that will make you stagnate. Open up your feelings and let them flow. You do not have to wear them on your sleeve, but in private let them out fully.

Tidbit #9: You Cannot Change What You Refuse To Confront

You cannot change what you refuse to confront.


Whether your issue is with yourself, your friend(s), your family, your society, your school, your employer, or whatever else. Nothing will be done about it if you don't man up and point out what is going on. That said, do not be the all time complainer, rather say what is necessary and offer solutions. Your life will be much happier when you have found ways to make it easier for everyone.

Finding Your Happy Place: Part 3

Give Up the Delusion of Control

As my mother often says, "Life is what happens while you are busy making plans." 

It is normal to think if you have a plan things will go the way you want them too. However, perfect execution of even the best laid plans is rare.  It is important for us to realize that there will never be a time when the world works exactly to what we see is our benefit. But, don't let that get you down, but things tend to have a rising up point even when you can't see it yourself. So work as hard as you can to stick to your plans, goals, dreams, etc. but when things don't work out don't look at it as failure, but rather as opportunity for growth in a new direction. Life is full of wondrous twists and turns. That, my friends, is what makes it so interesting.

Go ahead and notice all the life that is happening all around you at this very moment, and every moment after that. 

Tidbit #8: Nobody is perfect, and nobody deserves to be perfect

What is perfection? Take a moment and really think about it. You'd probably describe something like an unbelievably physically beautiful person, who never makes mistakes, is beyond brilliant, and liked by everyone, or something equally unattainable. It is not possible for anyone person to be all of those things, it's nearly impossible to be even one of those things. 


Nobody is perfect, nobody has it easy. Everyone has their own unique struggles, that's a part of what makes us who we are. Belittling yourself or anyone else based on their imperfections is wrong. You never know what people are going through. Everybody is fighting their own unique battles on the road to their own success. 


Stop trying to be perfect, it's unattainable, rather try to be the best you can be and leave it at that. Accept and learn from your mistakes. Move on and be happy. And remember nobody is perfect, and nobody deserves to be perfect. 

Tidbit #7: Feeling Lonely and Unmotivated? Get Outside!

If you're feeling lonely and unmotivated, it's likely you haven't spent much of your free time anywhere but on your couch. Well it's time to get up off that couch and do something with your life. Getting back to the basics of human nature can often be beneficial, as proven by multiple scientific studies.It's simple really, just letting the sun shine on your face for a little while can make a world of difference. I'm not suggesting you try to take a month in the wilderness(unless that's really your cup of tea, then by all means go for it), but a short trip to the park for a picnic, or just to sit under a tree with a good book.&nbsp;The wind on your face, the sounds of wildlife, all of it is very therapeutic. Give it a try, I promise you will benefit.


This is my recommendation for most people. It tends to work quite well as a happy place(a place you go to clear your head and think happy thoughts)Other suggestions will be covered in my next post, finding your happy space.

Finding Your Happy Place: Part 2

Decide If You Want To Be Right Or Happy

I hear people say all the time, "If only they'd listen to me, they'd know I am right."

Many of us grow up in an environment that conditions us to believe the world should work a certain way. We model our behaviors after our parents, communities, and other people around us. We learn the "right" ways to make the world go round. Every other person in the world has this same experience learning a different "right." It is natural to continue believing that your "right" is the only right way things should work, but it is not effective. As a group of individuals functioning together it is important to establish a new "right" or to combine what we have learned and compromise, that is the key to finding happiness and acceptance.

So don't let go of the things you hold near and dear, but be flexible and allow other to show you different ways to do and see things. You might find something, better suited or more efficient.

Finding Your Happy Place: Part 1

This will be the first post in a string of post, that I intend to write regularly.

Give Yourself Permission To Be Happy

The first step in finding your happy place is giving yourself permission to be happy. That might sound silly because it seems natural that you already have permission to be happy, but for most people it is a subconscious thought that blocks you from letting yourself be happy. You think you owe something to someone, (parents, kids, significant other, boss, the world, etc.) But, I have some news for you:: YOU DON'T OWE UNHAPPINESS TO ANYONE. Regardless of what anyone has down for you or what they expect you to do, you don't owe them your personal happiness. In order for you to fill others needs you must fill your own first.
                                
I find that writing thoughts down can be the most effective way to rid them from your mind. So take some time, jot down all the people you feel you owe something too, even if it's something simple like. "I owe my mom my life because she birthed me." When you have finished that, burn it, delete it, trash, whatever just get rid of it in some way. (Optional:: Or even better you could send it to me for use in my future explanations on finding your happy place, and discussions.)

After you've done that, say out-loud "I give myself permission to be happy." And now you've made the first steps towards finding your happy place.
                           

Tidbit #6: Stories are Like Toast

No matter how thin you slice it there are always at least two sides.

Before you condemn someone for what you see, think or hear someone say about what they did, said, or are, remember that they have perceptions and feelings too. The things they got out of the situation may be very different from what anyone else may have seen. It is important to look at what is happening from multiple perspectives.

That said you're feelings do matter and it is important to help other people realize your feelings too. Express yourself.

Tidbit #5: Relationships are like Puzzles

Building a relationship is like putting together a puzzle, without the box with which to cheat. It takes time, patience, care, logic, gut feelings,  and of course a little trial and error. And they are so much fun. :)

Sometimes it seems quite easy to give up and just throw all the pieces back in the box, leaving you feeling hopeless and as if you've wasted tons of time.

Sometimes you get almost finished but there is a piece or couple of pieces missing, and you spend forever searching for those pieces so that you can complete the picture, but can never seem to find them. In which case there are two choices, to accept the puzzle as it is and love it anyway, or toss it in the scrap heap because the picture just doesn't make sense without those pieces.

Sometimes half the pieces come from a different box and you realize that no matter how hard you try you can't make them all fit together.

But, if you manage to complete the picture there is deep satisfaction in knowing that you've done something great. In overwhelming joy you glue the pieces together and hang the finished product on the wall to remind you of the beauty of the thing  you've created.

Tidbit #3: Don’t ever quit a job unless you have another lined up.

I'm sure there are extenuating circumstances and exceptions to this rule, but for the most part. Don't do it. Even when the job market is wide open, it still takes time to get started with a new job, and the halt in the flow of income will really put a damper on your lifestyle.

This topic has come up because I am moving to Arizona in a few weeks. This weekend I was offered a job with the Girl Scouts, which is so exciting.

Tidbit #4: Touch Someone Everyday

I mean it not in a creepy way, and not in a figurative way. Literally touch someone everyday. Hold someone's hand. Give someone a hug. Pat someone on the back. Anything. Human contact is essential to happiness. It will brighten their day as well as yours.

Flower Fun: Pressing Flowers Properly

Pressed flowers can be used to make lots of other things, which I will post about later, but first you have to know how to start off this flower pressing activity. It is quite simple. To start, I recommend using relatively flat flowers and leaves. You can press others, (roses for example are not flat) but is much more difficult. Try my favorite, daisies, they are quite simple to use.  You'll also need paper. It doesn't matter so much what kind, you can use news print, napkin, notebook paper, whatever floats your boat really. The goal is to absorb the moisture from the flowers. (I prefer paper towels, because they absorb well and are easier to separate from the flowers later on.) You'll also need several heavy books, approximately 15lbs that stack easily.

Remove flower stems.
Place them in a single layer on your sheet of paper, making sure they don't overlap at all. (They will stick together and become impossible to separate without tearing if they touch)
Then place another sheet of paper on top.
Place this sandwich in the middle of a book. (If this is a book you care about, be sure to place wax paper underneath and on top of the sheets of paper, otherwise there will be stains.)(You can press multiple batches of flowers in the same book if you leave about a 1/4" of pages between them.)
Stack the other books on top and wait for two weeks.


"This morning I counted 14 pink petunias in my flower box. Spring is quite lovely."

Tidbit #2: Babies are Miracles

This topic is discussed extensively in terms of abortion and sexual relationships outside of marriage. I don't want to go in that direction because beating an argument to death will never solve problems. 

I will however say this "Babies are miracles." Each and everyone of them no matter how they were brought into this world is brilliant and beautiful.

This topic is important to me because I have many friends and family members who have had children at times deemed inappropriate by societal standards. Some of them have had parents disowned them or be unsupportive. Others have been harrassed by questions such as, "Don't you know how that happens?" or "Haven't you learned your lesson?"

It is important that family and friends support mothers rather than become angry at them. Once the "mistake" or "decision" has been made, there is no turning back. That miraculous little baby needs all the love that can be given to him or her, and a family that can provide it. It takes a village, and one mother can never do it all alone.

With all of that said I do believe it is best to wait until you are married to have children, but I cannot agree with the idea that you are a horrible person if you don't. Some of the best mothers I know have had children at times when it was "inappropriate" so from me they will always recieve full support.


"Plant a seed, water it well, and watch it grow."

Flower Fun: Making Blossom Ice Cubes

There are many edible flowers, most of them actually taste pretty good. I will post a list of my favorites later.  Blossom Ice Cubes are adorable to float in a party punch or just in your ice water on a hot summer afternoon. 

Making Blossom Ice Cubes: 

Bring water to a boil, and sustain for at least 3 minutes. (This allows a lot of the air trapped in the water escape, making the ice cubes as clear as crystal.) Remove from heat and let cool to room temperature. (Do not try to rush this process by stirring, adding more water, or placing in a refrigerator, let it cool on it's own.)

Rinse your flower blossoms(Be sure they are pesticide-free)

Place a flower blossom in the bottom of each slot in an ice cube tray. 

Fill each slot half full of cooled boiled water and freeze. 

Wait until the water is frozen, and then fill each slot the rest of the way and refreeze. 

Then enjoy. 

(I will add a picture as soon as my camera starts working again) 

"You need the messy stuff (dirt) to make the flowers grow."

Tidbit #1: Stay in school.

Note: This is advice for high school as well as college students, but it is not the same.


High School Students:
Your education is so unbelievably important. I can not begin to express in words how much you NEED to get your diploma. But, since you've heard that a thousand times, think about it in a different way. Senior year of high school is the only time you will be on top of the world without having worked you tail off to get there. You will be the master of you universe and the world just opens up to you after that. If you don't get to senior year, you'll probably be working a low wage job for a long time before you can even think about making really good money.  Don't quit school for a job, no minimal amount of money is worth the sacrifice of a good education.

College Students:
Stay in school, stick it out. College is so super fun, and even if it feels sucky sometimes, it can be an amazing time. It has been the best I've had yet. (I hope things keep getting better in this pattern, because if so by the time I die I won't know how to stop smiling. I already have a hard time making a sad face. I digress)

Withdrawing from university studies is not always a bad thing, but it's important to examine on a case by case basis....(if you need clarification please email me)
Case 1: If you run out of money, and are beginning to rack up a large debt, and are offered a nice job.....you probably should take the job, with the intention of going back to school later.
Case 2: If you have an amazing idea that will change the world and make you a millionaire.....I still recommend you get your degree, but if it just becomes to complicated, don't, everyone will be so impressed with you anyway it won't matter.
Case 3: Um...I can't think of anymore right now, but when I do I will add more....


"Water your flowers and tell them I said hello"